Final Monologue
by Hikari Daeron
Summary: I have honored your request for silence. One thing I cannot do, however, is to keep quiet. Mello-centric. Spoilers Vol7-12. As Mello is driving the truck, he reflects on what has happened, and then speaks and apologizes to Matt.


Me: FINALLY, MY FIRST DN SHOT. It's not the first one I promised Compy – sorry!! – but recently, I got 13 and the novel and I am in LOVE with Mello. Seriously. I think he's my favourite character, I love him SO MUCH. (And I ordered the live actions today!! I heard they're making a third, I hope they move into the Mello/Near arc!!) So, I had to write this, because I love Mello.

First person POV. Mello-centric. Rated T for language. Takes place at the very beginning of Volume 12. As Mello is driving the truck, he reflects on what has happened, and then speaks and apologizes to Matt. **_Warnings: spoilers of volumes 7-12ish._ **I'd suggest not reading unless you've finished the series. Also, hinted MelloxMatt, but it's not explicit. If you're against gay pairings, you can disregard the hints, as they are no more than that.

**Personality/Tone Note: **Mello is always described as someone whose emotions get in the way of his better judgment, or just in the way. Despite this, he is still extremely intelligent and has the capabilities of perhaps not surpassing L, but rather being another Kira. (As agreed in DN13, Mello is much like Kira than a future L, except that I think he has a strong sense of justice, too – just that he'll do anything to achieve that final goal.) In the spirit of that, Mello's tone goes from attacking to reflecting to sorry and back again. I also think that Mello is well aware that Near can kick his ass, as well as what is going to happen to him – so I elaborated.

**Style Note: **This is written in what is called a _stream-of-consciousness_: that is, I pretty much sat inside of Mello's head and let my pen wander (yes, this was handwritten first). So, it jumps around a lot. I could give you a lecture on the SoC style, but I'll spare you. U

**Title Note: **For someone who had a large role in the second half of the series, Mello's exit was rather brief. I feel that the story didn't adequately conclude his half of the story – and so, here it is, his final monologue.

Dedicated to _ComputerFreak101_, because she is amazing and awesometastic and quotes TAS with me. It's a… um… very, extremely belated birthday present? I dunno – it's not the oneshot I promised (I'm working on that!) but it _is _a DN fic nonetheless. I was going to give this to Shadow, but something in me kept saying, "Give it to Compy!!" so, here it is. I know it's short, I'm sorry – but I hope you like it nonetheless. I don't know if you're much of a Mello fan, but in any case… (sheepish grin) I hope you like it. (I was going to give you a story on A, B and L, but I'm going to work on that later and give it to Shadow instead, even though she hasn't read the novel yet. (prods to go read/buy))

Disclaimer: Hikari Daeron does not own _Death Note _or any affiliations.

* * *

_**Final Monologue**_

I have honored your request for silence. One thing I cannot do, however, is to keep quiet.

I never wanted it to end like this. If I had the power that I've always wanted, it _wouldn't _have ended up like this.

I knew from the moment I heard that L had been killed by Kira that I would lose my life in this fight for humanity and for justice. I knew that in the end, my desire to be the best would be futile, it would not be me holding Kira's head but that big-headed twerp Near. And yet, while I outwardly rebelled against this, something in me knew that this would happen and that it was necessary.

Despite this, I can't help but become even more recalcitrant than I was before. Because I never liked Near, because of my inferiority complex – whatever the case, there is something within me that is compelled to fight against the options so obvious for me to take.

Team up with Near. Fight Kira together. Operate as one and surpass L.

But that is the one thing that my better judgment – well, perhaps not that, but my desires and personality, anyway – cannot allow. Near has always beaten me, always gotten to the top. No matter how hard I try, Near's been number one. And I… _hate _that. His over-inflated ego is something that I want to puncture, to stab until there is nothing left of it. And yet, no matter how far ahead I get, no matter how many steps I take, I always find that he's flown ahead of me, that he had crossed that path ages ago.

But on the other hand, I know my destiny. I've known for a while that I would end up helping Near for the long haul, the greater good. That Mihael Keehl was not to be L's great successor was something that I had fought against, but knew it to be true.

Still, though, I had always envisioned that if it came to this, I would find _some _clever way to get myself out of this situation, or, at least, come up moderately on top.

Knowing that Near needed an opportunity based on the information that Lidner gave me, I told you, Matt, what you must do for me. You always knew that in my desire to be the best, I would push everything else – _including_ you – to the side. But you accepted that. You knew that the chances of you succeeding L were slim in the first place, and you never really cared anyway. (Memories of your preoccupation with video games, as opposed to whatever training we supposed to be receiving, and I cannot help but remember suddenly. The look on your face when you received the latest gaming consol, or newest game – absolutely priceless.)

Despite the manipulation, lies and tactics that you knew were being used, you didn't hesitate to aid me. You didn't care if it was illegal, or dangerous, or just another way for me to try to one-up Near. You didn't question my actions and were never cross with me.

_Why_, Matt? Why, when I told you what you must do for me so that, for once, I'd help Near instead of hurt him – why did you not object? Why didn't you question me about my plans? Why didn't you put your foot down then, of all times, and say, "Mello, you dumbass, I could get shot by Takada's psycho bodyguards and fans, and you could be killed by Kira." _Why did you not stop me then?!_

Why, you _dumb fuck_, why did you have to go and get yourself killed?!

I never meant for you to get dragged into this so deeply, Matt. I needed an extra pair of eyes, and so I called the closest thing to a friend that I had; but that's all, Matt. I didn't mean for it to drag on. You were supposed to watch Amane for me, and I could handle it from there.

But then Lidner told me Near's plans, and I knew what it meant. What _I _had to do in order to stop Kira, and what it would cost me.

I didn't think of what it would cost _you_.

Is it wrong of me to assume that you don't – didn't? – care that it cost you your life, as long as in the end, the final goal was achieved? That Kira was caught? That maybe in some way, Near and I had finally worked together, that I had, in a sense, gotten over myself long enough to help the world?

That, maybe, even, I _finally _came out on top?

It's so presumptuous of me, Matt, I know it is. But you know, I always felt –

In any case, Matt, I don't know what else to tell you but _I'm sorry_. It's a pitiful excuse, a cliché thing to say, Matt, but I never thought it would go this far.

If it's any comfort, I doubt I'll be in this world much longer anyway.

I'm almost completely sure that Kira knows my name, and is – or maybe was – doing all he can (could? Who knows if he's succeeded or not!) to find a face to match it. His connection to the second L and the Japanese Task Force is so obvious that even Roger would be able to see it. It would be most advantageous for him if Kira was, indeed, the second L.

How ironic would that be! The world's most famous detective is also the world's most dangerous mass murderer – working to track down _himself_! Illusory progress would be made when, in fact, there would be no progress at all. Actually, how that I think about it… not that much progress _has _been made under this new L. There's no way he's _that _incompetent, so unless…

Well, it's something I've guessed all along. But it'll probably be up to Near to confirm it.

Y'know, it really pisses the shit out of me that after all, I'm just another tool for Near to solve his puzzle with. That he's only using me, as easily as I've used others, and in turn, that he's using them, too.

I'm sure that sounds hypocritical as fuck to you. But Matt, at least people knew I was using them. I never hid it. I don't trick people into helping me, I outright tell them what I'm doing. Near's a crafty bastard, I'll give him that much, but he'll never get down to it _himself_. He always has others do his dirty work for him.

I, on the other hand, have no qualms about killing those in my way, or using people to get what I want. I only care in end results, not what got me there. And people _know _this.

So, that's something about me that's better than him, I suppose.

Maybe I'm being presumptuous again. Most people probably find my confronting nature very insulting and rude. But y'know, I never gave a damn, and at this point, I don't think it matters.

Matt… really, truly, I am sorry that I got you so involved. And more than that, I never told you how much I appreciated you. Maybe now's not the time to thank you for all the times you snuck out of Wammy's House at three in the morning to buy me Belgian chocolate because I was out; or shipped the orders over to wherever I was so that I wouldn't run out. I guess this isn't the time to thank you for watching Amane for me, or for always complying with me. It probably isn't the time to thank you for keeping me company at Wammy's House and outside of it, for putting up with my plotting, ranting, and curses against anyone in my way – namely, Near.

And it's probably not the time to mention how grateful I am for everything you've done, or how I never would have gotten this far without you. Or how if I've ever been number one, for even a second, about anything at all, it couldn't have been without your help, support or whatever else.

And it's probably not the time to –

To –

To…

… My chest… suddenly hurts…

I think…

Oh, shit.

It's probably not the time, but –

_Damn_.

* * *

Me: I know it's really short, with a rather abrupt ending (I think you can guess what happened), but I think it's rather effective. Actually, I think I might like this. :-) Tell me what you think!

Also, on the first two sentences – I sorta took that as addressed to both Near and Matt: Matt because he doesn't want to hear thanks or apologies, Near because he thinks that Mello should learn to shut up. xDD Okay, fine – Near because all they ever do is argue and he thinks it's enough.

Oh, on MelloxMatt – this is seriously my favourite DN pairing. I don't really know why, as Matt is in like 10 pannels in the entire series, but I LOVE it. (goes and squees over pretty fanart)


End file.
